Dear Santa, It's a long story...
Although I’m excited to have time to spend with my sons this Christmas, it is also a time of sadness as this is the first Christmas without my Dad. As you read this I don’t want you feeling sorry for me, this is not that type of post.
After leaving my tedious, tiresome job in January and having my second baby boy in February this year I thought I would be able to spend a relaxing year with my boys. However, fate had other ideas.
In April, after several months of my Dad knowing something was wrong and a few days after he had been to the hospital for tests, he received the telephone call that was to change our lives. The doctor wanted to see him urgently.
Dad knew what was wrong and telephoned his GP immediately “tell me straight doc”. He was given the most devastating news, pancreatic cancer.
I drove my Mum and Dad to the hospital the next day. I kept thinking, what treatment and what help would be available to him.
They came back to the car and I will never forget my Dad’s total acceptance of the situation. Terminal.
I asked my question could anything be done to prolong his life. He replied “Florence, that’s it”. I used to be a carer so listening to his news was like listening to one of my clients and I immediately put up a wall, a barrier. The barrier lasted for his whole illness, it was an awful time and I feel so sorry for anyone who has to suffer such an ordeal.
Dad’s support network was amazing, any equipment he needed/wanted was delivered within a couple of days. The doctors would visit him immediately upon request. Unfortunately it was all to no avail, he died within 4 months of his diagnosis.
I still kept up the barrier, the only time I cried was telling my little big man that his Gramp had died. My son would sometimes stay with my Mum and Dad and would get up early in the morning knowing that my Dad was already downstairs watching the television. He was able to twist his Grampy round his little finger and would, after having his normal breakfast, be eating chocolate bars and ice cream. Even though we requested Grampy not to do this on many occasions, my son wanted it and so would have it.
It was also the only time my Dad would switch off his recorded football/cricket match and watch Rory the Racing Car or whatever children’s programme my son wanted to watch.
When I got home, the night after my Dad left us, I broke the news to my little big man. The look on his face, it broke my heart and it was then that I realised my Dad had been his hero.
He didn’t want to go to his Grampy funeral or burial, he thought he would actually see him. But he says he still talks to him from time to time and can sometimes hear his Grampy voice.
Although I’m not a churchgoer I have, for obvious reasons, been to church quite a lot since my Dad died.. Yesterday evening I went again with my 2 boys my Mum, sister and her children. We went ‘for peace and to reflect’, we all walked to the church, loud and rowdy but entered quiet and respectful.
It was a beautiful scene. As a bonus there were mince pies and cookies and red wine for the adults. My little big man took a cookie and said “Mummy if I eat all of this cookie your Dad will come back”, my reply “Aw no he’s staying where he is now”, I didn’t really know how to react and I’m not sure he understood it. We left the church and he said he wanted to see where his Grampy was buried. Thank goodness, I have been wanting this to happen for a while and hopefully he has now accepted it.
After leaving the church we then went up the street to see the Christmas Tractor Run which had been organised by RC Baker ltd Agricultural Contractors, all proceeds going to the wonderful local Hospice. There were 80 tractors, all with their own Christmas lights and santas and reindeer, tooting their extremely loud horns , incredible, utterly beautiful. They had already been through numerous villages in the area.
The owners had paid £5.00 for each tractor to enter the run that alone was £400 towards Katharine House, an amazing Hospice which relies on kind donations and money from such events to boost their funds, also volunteers were going round with buckets for donations.
Such an wonderful time of year, it really makes you realise that people are capable of doing generous gestures in order to involve others in the spirit of Christmas.
At such a special time of year, if you are going through hardship or suffering or know someone who is then speak out to someone, anyone. Just talking may help ease the pain. There is always somewhere you can reflect, or get support. Please do not suffer in silence, even if you think it may be trivial or no one wants to hear it, Talk Talk Talk. Its Christmas, try and enjoy it. Christmas comes only once a year, and I cannot wait to spend it with all my family.
Join me in raising a glass to all those we have lost this year. We will be thinking of you.
Please have a beautiful and safe Christmas.
Love Me x
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